Reaching one’s full potential without being too pushy
I was recently asked to write an article on how parents can allow their children to reach their full potential without being too pushy and I immediately thought of Andre Agassi. In his fascinating autobiography, the tennis legend talks candidly about the relentless ambition and commitment that drove him through the junior and academy ranks and into the elite and exclusive world of Grand Slam champions. At times growing up he felt isolated; aspects of his childhood were sacrificed; and he trained hard even when he didn’t want to. In the end, of course, he experienced incredible success. But what is interesting is that the relentless ambition and commitment was, for a long time, his father’s. It was Agassi senior who pushed and drove for the glory and the evidence is there to show that it worked. Or did it? Agassi junior also talks openly about not coping with pressure and about abusing substances to deal with the stress. Indeed many parts of his life were in tatters until he met Steffi Graf and learned to love tennis as a game again – not as a tool through which to be rich and famous.
Agassi’s story shows that supportive parenting with clear goals can bring rewards but it also demonstrates that being too pushy and demanding can lead to problems in adult life. So how can parents allow their children to flourish without pushing them too much?
Firstly, children need to be encouraged to believe that they can achieve their goals if they try hard enough. Parents do not need to be pushy to instil self-confidence and belief. Instead they should reward effort when children are young and praise the small successes. But don’t over-do it because it becomes hollow and children are quick to recognise a lack of authenticity.
As parents, we need to allow children to appreciate the journey, not become obsessed by the destination. In a world that strives for immediate success and instant gratification, this is hard to achieve but parents need to be patient and role-model that patience with their children. The young are naturally inquisitive and placing too much emphasis on academic testing when they are still discovering how they fit into the world around them may condemn some to feelings of insecurity and inferiority.
Children need guidance and boundaries but let them work things out for themselves sometimes. Let them have down time and be bored – it often leads to creativity. Set problems that need solving and play board and card games with them. This shared fun and interaction strengthens the bond between parent and child and encourages perseverance, curiosity, humour and self-control.
Ultimately, parents must try to develop a culture in which their child feels acknowledged for what he or she does, not judged. Judgement leads to blame which, in turn, leads to a fear of making mistakes. Acknowledgement, however, leads to responsibility and honesty and a willingness to give things a go. This is surely the mark of the successful.